If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case