Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Me when I hear gossip

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?