If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count