If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.