If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact