If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
See..?
.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.