Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1154521296031670273/pu/vid/540x960/-WXMgt1nVlaEc7rC.mp4?tag=10

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?