Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I need better friends

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

So true for me

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.