Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Liquor Store Parking

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.