If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”