Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender