Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.