If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
sensitive skin
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Be the reason someone burns sage.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
The Others (2001)
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”