If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
socratic questions
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.