If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Best spot.. 😅
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
real
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.