If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
*updates tinder bio*
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
stand with me against insufficient seating
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes