Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or