@knot_eye

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

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@sofarrsogud

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

@findmydolls

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

@Henry_3k

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

@Cpin42

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

@noodlegrip

[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise

@msevilroyslade

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

@GetCougarized

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

@Roweboat13G

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

@roxiqt

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

@o__0Dev

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.