If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing


78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.


My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.


Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news


[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise


It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.


Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.


I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.


That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.


The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.