If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them