Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Me, in DM rooms…

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

edward fingerhands

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.