If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You Might Also Like
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”