Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what