Me: What’d you have for lunch?
Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.