Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
You Might Also Like
Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.
– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
Alcohol doesn’t cause hangovers….waking up does.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”
The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.
No YOU’RE the stalker.
(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please