Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.