If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

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*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!


My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.


Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.


DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god


First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?


There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”


“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car


So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”



me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it