If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
🤣✨#caturday
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves