If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You Might Also Like
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The Weeknd is back
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you