@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

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@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.

@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

@DiabeetusNurse

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

@BCMontgo

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

@Ideal_Victoria

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

@bigmacher

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.