@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

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@jwoodham

“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

@iamspacegirl

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

@stephenjmolloy

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@JoParkerBear

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@PaulShakeySharp

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

@KrangTNelson

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing