If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Woke up against my better judgment again
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.