Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

Truly one of the great bangers

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

i actually laughed 😩

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

This is a genius move

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.