my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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me as a parent
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Important reminders