My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
it is time once again
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.