Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

Skills

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

😂🤣😂🤣

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.