Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”