If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My age is news to me every single time I remember
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
out-housing market appears to be strong
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends