If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Basketball
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Tell me you get it…🤣
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
shit just got real
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.