If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
shut up and take my money
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.