Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.