If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!