If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you