If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.