Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

😂

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

SONOFA

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.