Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]