If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..