Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.