Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming