Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?