Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too