Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.