Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Family Celebrity