If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?