If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
