If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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It鈥檚 very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I鈥檇 like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one鈥擨 believe it鈥檚 called a B枚枚ke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
馃槣
date: I鈥檓 really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 馃檪
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I鈥檓 at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 馃槅
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let鈥檚 get cotton candy next.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT鈥橲 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT鈥橲 5AM
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night