@PetrickSara

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

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@BraandoCommando

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@ruthakers

I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.

@radmarco

*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*

@Dawn_M_

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

@roxiqt

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

@imdaintyaf

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

@KielyHealey

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried