if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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i wish we could shoplift online
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
choose your gary
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.