if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
i prefer mine room temperature.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
this is a sign that you need a union
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.