Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie