if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
You Might Also Like
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
old twitter is back baby
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.