if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
You Might Also Like
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Found my door mat
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
◾️
