if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.