if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Math at Halloween.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
I’ve been learning to cook.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Nomnomnomnom
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother