if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins