Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Don’t we all.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers