Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.