If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.