If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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I was bored.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
HERE’S MARKY
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.