If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Cats are still liquid.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
