If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”