Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

*pronounces patio like ratio

Punctuation Matters. Period.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance