Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

I feel seen

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.