Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.