Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

when she block me on everything

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

❤️❤️❤️

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!