If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.