If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
💀💀
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*