Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.