Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.